recovery tips i wish i’d known sooner
First of all, apologies for my absence (again), I’m still getting the hang of this content thing but I’m working on it, I promise! For today’s post I want to talk about recovery, the topic that many of you probably follow me for. But, for anyone that doesn’t know, here’s a little background about me and my story. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 13 years old; a time when I should have been having meltdowns over boys and acne and period cramps I was knee deep in a mental illness that turned my life upside down. It took me seven years of therapy, endless cycles of relapse and ‘quasi-recovery’ to get to where I am now, a place where I feel truly recovered. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where I struggle with body dysmorphia, feel a sense of guilt towards food and some of those disordered thoughts begin to creep back in. The difference now versus when I was still firmly in anorexia’s grasp, is that I am strong enough to shut those thoughts down, because I know how miserable my life was when all I cared about was being as thin as possible. How did I get to this point, you may ask. Well, today my friends I am going to give you my best advice for anyone currently struggling with an eating disorder of any kind, and if I can help just one person then that’s good enough for me.
Recovery Starts with YOU
Eating disorders are weird in the sense that they are a mental disorder with physical symptoms and consequences. When I first started getting treatment for anorexia it was mainly just, eat more, move less, get better. But that didn’t work. You need to WANT to get better. In the beginning, I didn’t want to get better, I wasn’t ready to let go of anorexia, she had become a friend to me, a familiar I couldn’t bear to part with. I was only ‘getting better’ for the sake of my parents, thy therapists, everyone around me who wanted me to recover. I wasn’t doing it for me.
Eventually I got to a point where I had really hit rock bottom. I had just finished my first year of university, the year that should have been one of the best years of my life ended up being one of the worst. While other people were going out, having fun, getting drunk, making friends, making memories, I was meal prepping and getting up at 5am every day to go to the gym. I had no concept of balance and I was running myself into the ground. I remember looking at myself in the mirror one day and thinking… Scarlett, you’ve done it again, how could you let yourself fall back into this vicious trap again. I came home from uni that summer and I knew what I needed to do. I WANTED to get better, because I knew I had to, I couldn’t go on living this kind of half life where everything revolved around eating as little as possible and exercising as much as possible. And that leads me nicely on to my next section: dealing with extreme hunger.
2. Extreme Hunger
Okay so, you’ve decided you need to get better, cool. Now what? This stage of recovery is probably one of the hardest because it’s all about relinquishing control, and for many of us who’ve suffered with eating disorders, control is really the only thing we have, it’s what we crave, it’s what we cling on to. We convince ourselves that by denying ourselves food and being as disciplined as David Goggins we are somehow in control. But let me tell you now, we’re not. It is the eating disorder that has control of you. You have to completely let go of the rules you have created for yourself and LISTEN. TO. YOUR. BODY. Naturally, after months or years of starving yourself, your body’s natural hunger and fullness cues are going to be pretty out of whack, this is why extreme hunger happens. When you start allowing yourself to eat more, your body will start soaking up those nutrients like a sponge. Think about it, you’ve gone without adequate nutrition for so long your body is like um, yes please, give me all the food I don’t know when she’s going to start starving me again. Extreme hunger can be really scary and overwhelming because you don’t know when it’s going to end. You wonder if you’re going to feel like this forever and you’ll never be able to get a regular appetite back. But please, please trust the process. Your body is smarter than you think, and you have to give it time to feel safe. For me, my extreme hunger probably lasted about 2 months and then I found that I was able to start eating somewhat normally again, but you can’t stop there, this is where the next stage begins.
3. Learning to Live Again
By the time summer ended, I had dealt with my extreme hunger and was starting to feel like a normal human being again. I went back to uni and the difference was mad. People noticed I was glowing, my hair was healthier, I had energy, I wanted to go out and socialise, I had my spark and my personality back. And guess what, I wasn’t fat, or ugly or disgusting, I felt the most confident in my body I ever had. I started going out and enjoying myself, I was no longer this timid little thing terrified of food or missing a gym session. All throughout my recovery journey I still trained but I had to cut out pretty much all cardio, because that was what my body needed. I developed a healthy relationship with exercise where I went to the gym because I genuinely wanted to, not because my eating disorder was telling me to.
By this time I could say I felt mostly recovered. I was eating a lot, feeling good, living my best life, but there was just one thing missing, my period… roll on section four.
4. Hypothalamic Amenorrea / Period Recovery
It’s extremely common for women suffering with anorexia or bulimia or any kind of restrictive eating disorder to lose their periods. This happens because your body simply does have enough energy or enough fat top carry out this function, it’s too focused on keeping you alive. You might think, oh goody, no more cramps this is great, but it’s really not. Loosing your period is a sign that your body is no longer working properly, it’s a biological function that is a sign of health and vitality. Ok TMI here but it’s important so I’m telling you; I lost my period when I was 12 and didn’t get it back until I was 19, so I basically didn’t really go through puberty until I was an adult. The longer you go without a period, the more you are putting yourself at risk of problems such as osteopenia and osteoporosis, infertility, and all sorts of long term complications.
I know how frustrating it can be trying to get your period back. You can feel like you’re doing everything right but there’s just that one thing still missing, still niggling at you. The amount of times I cried, I felt hopeless, I genuinely didn’t think I was ever going to get mine back because it had been gone for so long. But believe me when I say, patience is key. A lot of people like to through round 2500 calories as the number you need to be eating to get your period back but personally I think that’s a load of bollocks. Whether you’re trying to loose weight, gain weight, get your cycle back, everyone needs a different amount of calories, period (excuse the terrible pun). Some people may need more than 2500 calories to get their period back, some may need less, it totally depends on height, weight, activity levels, so many factors go into this. And more to the point, I really wouldn't recommend tracking calories in recovery anyway because I think it can do more harm than good. I hold my hands up, I did track calories for a while when I was recovering but I just kind of stopped on my own when I realised it wasn’t serving me anymore, it’s something you need to let go of at your own pace but honestly, the sooner you can learn to eat intuitively, the better, just for your mental sanity.
When you’re trying to get your period back the main things you need to focus on are sleeping well, stressing less, eating enough to where you feel full and satisfied, especially getting enough healthy fats and giving it time. I committed to recovery in June 2023 and didn’t get my period back until February 2024. You have to be patient, your body needs to reach a point where it feels safe in order for your hormones to start working properly again. I’m not an expert on this so please if you are struggling reach out to a medical professional, I can only offer my anecdotal advice.
5. Life After Recovery
So, this brings us to where I’m at now, life after recovery. For me, getting my period back was kind of the last box to tick. I was eating enough, I had fixed my mindset, my body and my hormones were working again, and I was kind of just like oh, I’m not anorexic anymore. I think something not many people talk about is how hard it is initially to let go of that disordered identity, especially when it’s something that’s been a part of you for so long. But I promise, there is so much more to life than a number on a scale or the size of your clothes. Your eating disorder doesn’t define you, It will always be a part of your past but it doesn’t have to be a part of your future. Going through anorexia at such a young age definitely helped to shape me and make me stronger, don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but unfortunately it’s something so many people struggle with, increasingly so in the age of social media and the rise of ozempic culture where everyone and their mum’s dog seems to be chasing this skinny ideal. But if you’re ever doubting how far you’ve come, ever missing your smaller body, just remember how you felt, that’s something they can’t show in a photo. You can’t live a full life if you’re constantly chasing emptiness.
And with that, I shall conclude today’s post. I really hope you found it insightful or helpful and if you or anyone you know is currently struggling with an eating disorder please don’t be afraid to reach out, my DMs are always open. Also there are some incredible charities out there which you can contact for support so I'l pop some links down below.
Lots of love,
Scarlett xx
Links to Eating Disorder Helplines and Charities:
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk